2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
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Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
BRAKING NEWS!!
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
All set.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.