Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
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Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
This could be us but you eatin’
wtf is a larm clock?
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.