Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
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Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Weighing up my bread heating options
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.