Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
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I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
This trial is so absurd 😭
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.