The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
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Admin smashed it 😂
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.