Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
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Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!