Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
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violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.