Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
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frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert