ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
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Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille