“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
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I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.