Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
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5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?