HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
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Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
2022 will be better than 2021
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
She was REALLY feeling it.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR