“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
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I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
The Friday File.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you