Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
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Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
welp
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
This dude got his own movie?
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”