My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
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Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.