was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
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Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them