Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
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I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Had to try this trend 😊
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.