The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
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So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?