Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
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*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.