ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
You Might Also Like
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Cha-ching is my safe word
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲