Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
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it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Monday?
No. Next question.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
For those that worship cheese..
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test