Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
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The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
another case of gang violins