Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
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I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally