My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
You Might Also Like
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?