My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
You Might Also Like
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person