Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
You Might Also Like
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe