I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
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I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
TODAY
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
the battle rages on
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.