“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
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me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now