My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
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Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Meanwhile in Canada…