I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
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the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Breaking news:
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.