I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
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Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore