Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
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Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*