As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
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Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.