馃檧馃檧馃檧馃樄
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Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you鈥檙e saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid 拢1m per year from now on.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Son: But I鈥檓 not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You鈥檙e gonna eat!
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
People I hate when I鈥檓 driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I鈥檓 driving.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON鈥橳 SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
3: I DON鈥橳 NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
I鈥檝e diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby鈥檚 Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.