Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
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ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me: