Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
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This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
why am I working on Labor Day
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.