“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
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To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
This is the one
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
never ask a starfish for directions
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Don’t tell me what to do
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.