Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
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I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.