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[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
If you love someone, let them sleep.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
I know karate and tons of other words.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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