I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
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me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
My teenage children choosing violence
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.