When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
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Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner