Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
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God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.