My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
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I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Had to try this trend 😊
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard