Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
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Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
yes… yes…
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there