Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
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Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.