Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
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[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house