Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
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If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
sin harder.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.