Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
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Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.