IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
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Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
I think my mom just blocked me
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”