may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
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Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math